The Walk of Shame

Ah students, look at you, all sweet, look at you tripping home on the walk of shame. Well, let me tell you, you have NO IDEA about what the walk of shame truly is and you will not until you become a parent (NB if you choose not to have children, this is probably as bad as it will get for you).

No. The true walk of shame happens in the playground. Generally at pick up rather than drop off, when the teacher comes out and beckons you over with ‘Can I just have a word?’
‘Oh fuck’ you think to yourself ‘here we go again.’
I have lost count of the times I have now done the walk of shame. Across you traipse to the teacher, feeling as though every eye is upon you, as though Uncle Sam (one for the Americans among us) is pointing at you so that EVERYBODY knows ‘YOU! YOU’RE A SHITE PARENT AND YOUR CHILD IS THE DEVIL.’

I have been called in because my children have walloped, bitten and pinched other classmates, and most recently touched somebody else’s willy. I was sat down, very seriously and told about him touching another child’s willy. To give you some context, they were getting changed after PE and there were a few of them being daft, he hadn’t backed anybody into a dark cupboard or anything. I’m not being funny, but he didn’t do this because he’s a sexual deviant; he’s a child and he thinks willies are fucking hilarious, which, let’s face it, they are. Can you take a penis seriously? I cannot. Willies look like Captain Barbosa from Pirates of the Caribbean.

Do you know what I mean though? They sort of stare at you through their one eye. ‘Ahoy matey, be ye wantin’ to climb the mast?’
‘No. Fuck off. I want to go to sleep. And stop prodding me in the back.’ Obviously, I would like to state that what i’ve just been talking about there are grown up willies before that gets misconstrued.

But seriously, willy waggling aside, kids are kids, they do this kind of daft stuff. Obviously if they’re repeatedly going after somebody, it needs dealing with but generally, they do stupid things, things that make you go ‘WHHHHHY?! I’M DOING EVERYTHING THE PARENTING BOOKS ARE TELLING ME TO! WHHHHHY ARE YOU SHOWING ME UP?!’ You will despair because you are doing your absolute bloody best to teach your child right from wrong; that going round biffing people is not the done thing; that your private parts are private; that you don’t say mean things to people. You are trying your absolute hardest but sometimes that isn’t always reflected in the way your child behaves. It is exhausting and sometimes soul destroying. I work so hard to try and help my children to become good people, I think the majority do.

The best thing that you can do as the parent of the one who is being a gobshite, is to message the parent of the injured party and say ‘Oh my God, i’m so sorry my child was such a pestilential poop, I am completely mortified (you will be, if you have anything about you).’
Generally, if they’re a good sort, they will message back and say ‘Don’t worry, mine can equally be an unbalanced young boll weever. Have yourself a glass of wine, you’re not alone in the whole child wanting to embarrass the SHIT OUT OF THEIR PARENT club.’ If they’re not a good sort and they don’t message, just sit back and think to yourself ‘I can’t fucking WAIT to watch them go through the teenage years.’ Because nobody is immune from their child giving them some grief at some stage.